Torn


This Sunday I was proposed with this question? “Would you be willing to die for Christ?”

Growing up in a Christian home and accepting Christ as my Savior at a young age, and then going through a deep and dangerous teenage rebellion (in which I could have lost my life), and then miraculously, with God’s help, being able to turn my life around, I wouldn’t hesitate to say, “YES!  I truly believe He saved mine, so the least I could do is offer my life to Him.

However, after being asked that question another question followed. And this is what has been on my mind all week. The question isn’t only, would I be willing to die for Christ, but am I willing to live for Christ, today? I find this to be a much harder question. In fact, most days, most hours, most minutes, I’m torn between living for myself and  what I want to do or living for Christ. This world needs people who are daily living, breathing, and walking for Him. I’m not one of those people. I feel more like a hypocrite, saying and desiring one thing but doing another.

I truly understand what Paul wrote in the book of Romans when he said, “I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do.”  It seems I have a problem with wanting to always find  immediate self-gratification. I crave that which is not good for me, and it drives me crazy! I really wish I could say today that I am living my life sold out for Christ. That I want nothing more to please Him with my entire being. However, I find myself more often wanting to please myself. It’s a constant struggle, a battle that I fight every minute of every day. To pick up my cross and let Christ carry my burdens and struggles is a choice I have to make daily. But, sadly, more often than not, I find myself  leaving my cross on the dusty, dirty path of life and trudging up the hill on my own.

Don’t get me wrong, I know that I have freedom in Christ, the chains of my past behaviors and earthly desires were broken the minute Christ died on the cross for me, and I decided to follow Him. But, it is choosing to live in this freedom, that seems to be a struggle for me! If I am not willing to live for Christ today, I will be the one who compromises tomorrow.  I’m hoping that I will be able to “strip off every weight that slows me down, especially the sin that so easily trips me up. I hope to run with endurance the race God has set before me.” (Hebrews 12:1).  I would like to be able to say with confidence I am not only willing to die for Christ tomorrow, but I am also willing to live for Him today.

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