Unmasked…Past and Present

“Do not gloat over me my enemy, though I have fallen I will get up” (Micah 7:8)

For those of you who know me, you know that I’m not the most graceful person around. I find myself stumbling over non-existent items , breaking un-breakable objects, slipping on non-slippery surfaces, and falling flat on my face without tripping over anything. In fact the first couple lines of the song Falling, by Florence and the Machine describe me well…

“I’ve fallen out of favor and I’ve fallen from grace,

Fallen out of trees and fallen on my face

Fallen out of taxis out of windows too…”

These kind of falls aren’t that bad. Of course, there’s always potential for injury, and they may be a bit humiliating . But, they can’t leave my heart cut in two, putting me in intensive care and waiting for emergency surgery to sew the wound back together. And although, there is healing there is a scar. A scar that reminds me of how far I fell and how far I can fall again if I’m not careful.

When I took my first fall I’m not even sure I realized I was flying towards the ground with an un-stoppable speed. You see, I was born into a Christian family and I became a Christian at a very early age. And from the start, I desired to be the best Christian ever! I went to Church, I went to youth group, I read my Bible, I prayed, I invited friends to Church, I didn’t get mad, I was a peace-maker, while others were takers I was a giver, and of course when I grew up I was going to be a Missionary.

And then I entered High School. Wow! Ok, I’m still doing all the things a good little Christian girl should do. With the exception of the fact that I now know that I’m going to be a spectacular athlete. Maybe in basketball, maybe in track, maybe in both. I’m going to break the records, run the fastest. I am going to be the star. But wait,  there’s other girls who are just as good as I am, maybe even better. And not only in athletics, but in academics, popularity, and in looks. I’m not sure I measure up so well against my competition. I need something to make me stand out in the crowd. I don’t want to be average. I’m afraid I’m might be JUST average.

So, here I  was standing on the first ledge. I didn’t even  know that I had climbed so high. I didn’t even know I was looking over the mountain top into the valley. I was so unaware of where I was heading that the next step took me a little by surprise.  Because with that next step I stepped off of the ledge and into a tail-spin. I was falling and falling fast. But thankfully, there was something to stop the fall. I reached out for the branch that was sticking out of the mountain wall. I knew it could hold me, stop my fall, and drive out the fear of being just average.

The minute I grabbed my safety line, the branch, I knew I wasn’t going to be average anymore. I was going to be the best at something. I was going to be so good and so disciplined people would start to take notice. I wouldn’t just blend in anymore. When I started to become obsessed with not eating, the weight I was losing and the weight I wanted to lose, I didn’t have a name for it. I just felt in control. I wasn’t falling anymore. I felt better than ever, on top of the world. I had such self-discipline it was amazing. I was good at this, anorexia, my salvation, the disease that was suddenly filling the void within my soul.

What I was doing, of course, was in secret, but people noticed I was thinner. Man, the comments were the best. “You look like you’ve lost weight?” “Have you been sick? You look thinner.” Awesome! It was working. I was doing the perfect job at starving myself. (Needless to say, any athletic dream I had was out the window. I didn’t have the energy or the desire anymore to participate in sports. A dream given up, but it’s not until later we realize that what we give up costs way more than what we think is bringing us pleasure).

But then, for some reason the branch began to shake, my safety net didn’t feel so safe anymore. I heard it crack and I knew it wouldn’t be long before it would break and I would be falling again. Sure enough, the void was back, the anorexia wasn’t satisfying me anymore. It was hard work. I was tired of being so self-disciplined and with that I felt my body quickly falling to meet the ground.

I needed another branch. There has to be another branch. There is another branch. I just have to reach for it and it will stop me from falling. Bulimia, the disgusting, ugly, spinning out of control branch of bulimia. How embarrassing ! How could I grab onto this branch. I hate it. But, I need it. It’s filling the gap I so desperately want closed! Does it make me feel good about myself? No way? Do I feel like I’m in control? No way? But, I keep doing it because if I stop I’ll start falling again and I don’t want to hit bottom and die. But, I do want to die, because death would bring freedom from the falling. Death would bring release from the thoughts and the obsession. Death would bring healing. Maybe I do want to jump off this branch and hit bottom? I’m going to die from the eating disorder anyway, why not do it now? Get it over with!?

And so I jump, and I’m falling again. Why can’t I just find peace? Why can’t I just find the satisfaction I’m looking for? If God is such a loving God why am I struggling so much. I hate myself, in fact, I hate all people, and I hate God the most. Life isn’t fair and God doesn’t seem to be doing anything about it. Why won’t he just step in and change things. Wait! Maybe I don’t want to hit bottom. No! Not yet, I don’t want to give up. Tomorrow I’ll change. Tomorrow it’s going to be different. I need another branch and I’ll change. I promise I’ll change!

The other branch must be from the same tree as the other branches. The bulimia didn’t go away. I just started mixing it with anorexia. I wouldn’t eat ANYTHING for 4 days and on the 5th day I’d binge and get rid of it, then I wouldn’t eat anything for 2 days, and on the 3rd day I’d binge and get rid of it. It got to the point that I wouldn’t eat anything, fruit, a popsicle, a chip, nothing! And, if I did I would immediately  throw it up. Gross! Gross! Disgusting! It’s humiliating just writing about it. I’m one big screw-up, failure, waste of life. Why haven’t I died from this yet!? God, if you’re real please let me die! I can’t handle this life anymore.

Get of the branch! Get off the branch! There’s no more satisfaction in anorexia or bulimia. I need something else, not something else to fill the void, but something else to escape from the eating disorder. I need to find relief from it, from the thoughts, from the obsession, from the depression. There has to be another branch. There’s always another branch and another branch and another branch. There’s always something to fill that void. And there will always be something else needed to fill the void if it’s not filled with the only One who can bring complete satisfaction and sew up the gap, leaving it longing no more.

Alcohol abuse. Escape. A few hours. No thoughts. No thoughts. Peace. Fake Peace. But peace, if only for a few hours. I don’t have to think about food, I don’t have to think about weight, I don’t have to think. Period. I don’t have to think. Except the high wears off and when the high wears off it takes me lower than where I once was. So, I need more, but it wears off again and takes me deeper into the valley. I can’t even see the mountain top anymore. The Summit is gone from my view. Is there even a Summit? I’m not sure. I’m in deep. I’m in a cycle that has no end. I’m spinning . I don’t want to spin. But, I don’t want to stop spinning. But, I do want to stop spinning. How do I stop spinning? Death. Death will make it stop. I want death. I’m stepping off the branch.

I step off the branch. I hit rock-bottom. But, I’m not dead. I want to be dead. I don’t want to be dead. I need help. “God are you there? I need help.  I mean I really need help. Jesus, I need you. I need Your help.  Can you help me? Will you help me?” I think I hear something.  I do hear his voice. His Sheep know his voice and they listen to Him! (John 10:27)

“Child, child you are mine. I love you. You are priceless. (1 Cor. 6:20) You are worth something! You are special! You’ve always been special. Stop seeking to fill the void! Stop putting your identity in fleeting things. Put your identity in me. You are mine. I am yours. You are complete in me. You don’t need anything to make you stand out, to make you above average. I created you. I created you with my very hand, you are my masterpiece. You are perfection. (Psalm 139) Stop trying to change that.

Child fill the void with me. You have freedom from every addiction, from every sin, from every trap that wants to ensnarl you. My death gave you freedom. Claim it. Claim it daily. Pick up your cross. You have the choice. Never believe that you are without choice. Put off your old self and choose to put on my armor. It will help you stand strong against Satan’s Schemes. (Eph. 6:13) My death set you free so you could be free. It can’t get any easier than that. I gave you freedom so you could be free. (Titus 2:14) Now, child, stop looking down! Look up. Look up! I am the lifter of your head. (Psalm 3:3) I am your salvation. You need nothing more. Look up! I am the True Vine, the Strong Vine you are the branch. (John 15:5) Look up! Stand in my freedom! Walk in my freedom!

I can hold you safely. I won’t let you fall. Although, you can choose to fall, but if you stay in Me, you will not fall. Look up. Though you have fallen you will get up! Don’t be ashamed of where you have been. Though you were filthy you are now clean. White as snow. Washed by my blood. (Isaiah 1:18) The past. Gone. Forgiven. Forgotten. But, don’t forget it. Don’t forget that is wasn’t glamorous, it wasn’t fulfilling. Don’t forget! Because I don’t want you to go back there.

You allowed your heart to become a heart of stone. And with each fall, and each branch that couldn’t hold you it broke. Broke into pieces. I’m grafting it back together. It will leave you with a scar. The scar will serve as your reminder of how far you fell, of how far you’re capable of falling, and how far you do not want to fall again. You are fragile now, but with each step in freedom you will become stronger, and the stronger you get the more careful you must be. When you are on the top, when you’ve reached the summit, that is when you must especially be on guard because from the summit comes the farthest fall. But I have faith in you and I love you more than you can imagine. That is why ” I lifted you out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; and I set your feet on a rock and gave you a firm place to stand.” (Psalm 40:2) I rescued you because I delighted in you.” (Psalm 18:19) You delight in me? Yes, I delight in you!

This is the past. My Past. The past that tried to embezzle my future. The past that has the potential to steal my present if I don’t “stand firm” (Galations 5:1) and take my “thoughts captive to the obedience of Christ.” (2 Corinthians 10:5) How do I keep from falling again?

I started to slip not because I started to do the wrong things, but because I stopped doing the right things. I didn’t have time for God. My focus was on me and I started placing my identity in places that could never complete me.

Thankfully, only through Christ, was I able to find freedom from a lifestyle of addictions and disorders. When I first was set free from this destructive lifestyle, my mom and I would speak to youth groups, Jr. high and high school students, etc. and warn them of the dangers of eating disorders  and the effect it can have on the rest of the family. When I started getting caught up in sin, I was so selfish. It didn’t cross my mind that what I was doing had the potential to take its toll on those around me. Sin doesn’t just affect one person.

The other thing about sin is that satan makes it look so glamorous and so tempting. We begin to think we can’t live without it and at the same time he diminishes the consequences. He doesn’t want us to think that a couple days of counting calories and getting on the scale could turn into a deadly eating disorder. He doesn’t want us to think that one drink could lead to alcoholism.  One drag to a controlling and overwhelming addiction. But then, the minute we give into that sin, the minute we take hold of it and fulfill the temptation, he rips us to shreds. “Are you kidding me? You just did that? You call yourself a Christian? You love the Lord? I beg to differ! If you love Him so much you’d never do what you just did! You know, He won’t love you anymore! He can’t love you anymore!  You’ve gone too far this time. You’ve crossed that sacred line and there’s no getting back!” The lies he feeds us. The deception he breeds. And sadly, we believe him.

But, we don’t have to. We don’t have to believe that we don’t have a choice. That we’re in too deep. That there’s no getting out. No stopping the cycle. I’ve learned it’s my choice to follow Christ’s voice. It’s my choice to walk in freedom. This is a daily decision. An hourly decision. A minute by minute decision.

There eventually came I time when I stopped talking about my past. I stopped speaking at youth groups and schools.  I’m not sure why?  Maybe because those struggles feel like a lifetime ago. Or maybe because those struggles still try to rear their ugly heads. Maybe because I want people to know who I am today and not think of me in regards to my past. Maybe because over the last few years I’ve slipped. I’ve let go of the Vine and grabbed onto branches, once again, that can’t hold me. Some of them have been the same branches that were in my past. Branches I swore I’d never go back to. And then there’s different branches. Branches I knew, for a fact, I would never hang onto, only to find myself dangling on the limb, waiting for the snap.

And maybe, I stopped talking about my past because I was afraid that I might be talking one way but walking in the opposite direction. No one likes a hypocrite. And I never want to proclaim freedom if I’m choosing to dwell in the pit. But the fact is, I do KNOW there IS FREEDOM from EVERY addiction, from every sin. The minute Christ died on the cross He broke the chains. He set the captive free. If I struggle today, it’s a choice. It’s a conscious decision to walk back into the cell, shut the door, and live in captivity. I apologize to those who know me and who have heard me proclaim my love for Christ but have seen me walk in my own way.

I am thankful for God’s ever- flowing forgiveness, mercy , grace, and faithfulness even in my unfaithfulness. I’m thankful that His love endures for me even when I let go of the Vine. I’m thankful that He is the God of never-ending chances. I am thankful that He provided a way for Freedom in this life and life-eternal.

See the place called Golgotha

Remembering His crown of Thorns

The undaunted slow motion of His crucifixion

the Temple curtain

Torn Apart

See where I am now

Remembering what it cost

Just one thing I’ve learned

One thing learned while I was lost

Just one thing Brother, Sister

Pick up your Cross


How it All Began…Part 2…Second Chances and More

If I had known in high school what I could have done with the natural athletic ability I was blessed with, I would have never quit the team, walked off the track, out of the locker room, and into a place I didn’t belong. I think about the running dreams I could have accomplished and it makes me very sad that I threw it all away. But at that point in life, it meant nothing! I certainly didn’t think quitting was that big of deal, and all those goals I had of breaking school records, I didn’t think twice about them.

Well, that’s not necessarily true, there were a couple of times during my high school years that somebody would bring up track, or I’d meet a coach who would ask me if I was a runner, and when I would say, “No,” their response, “Well, you look like you’d be a great runner,” did sting. But, I never let it sting long enough to think, maybe I should get my life back on “track” and become the athlete I was meant to be!

At the end of my senior year in high school I had decided to go to Taylor University. I knew a small, private, Christian school was just what I needed. I wouldn’t have been able to survive at a state school. I was happy to leave my past behind and start with a new beginning. I loved Taylor!

During my senior year, I was working out at the student health club and I noticed a flyer for the Indianapolis half-marathon. I thought to myself, “Hmmm…I used to be a runner, I bet I could start running again and do a half-marathon.” Plus, it would be great motivation to stop smoking (a habit I had picked up in high-school and still happened to do on occasion.)

After a couple of weeks of running on the treadmill, I told my roommate, Heather Beck, my plan. She was actually on the Taylor track team. One day when she was getting ready to go to practice she told me I should come with her and run with the team. There was no way I was going to do that. I certainly couldn’t keep up with the long distance runners. I mean, I had just started running again, not to mention I used to run 200s and 400s, so running miles was something entirely new for me. However, after a few days, she convinced, and as nervous as I was, I went to run with the team.

I can’t tell you how wonderful it was running with a group, the camaraderie these women shared was amazing. The fun they were having, while they were running, was inspiring. I wanted to continue to be a part of this community!

I started to run with them and when we were done getting in the miles, they would go to the locker room, talk to the coach, etc. etc. and I would go back to my dorm room, shower, and meet them for dinner.

One day, when we were finishing up a run, the track coach approached me and asked what I was training for. I told him the Indianapolis 1/2 Marathon. He told me that I should continue to run with the team, and not only that, but a great way to get in shape for the 1/2 would be to run the 10k in the conference meet. Absolutely, not!! I had never run more than a lap around the track in a meet and there was no way I was going to put myself out there at a college meet and run a 10k!! The meet was only a week or two away, and somehow Coach convinced me to run.

The day of the meet, I was a nervous wreck. I didn’t know what to expect. One of the girls told me just run and don’t look at the lap counter. How could I not look at the lap counter! It was right there at every turn and it was so obvious when they would flip it over to show how many laps were left. Despite that, the race felt great. It was exhilarating being back on the track and competing. I didn’t win the race, I didn’t even come in second or third, but I did post a time that qualified me for the National Meet the following weekend. Which just happened to be the weekend of the 1/2 marathon.

It was obvious that I would run in the National Meet. I would never get the chance to compete in a college meet again and there would be more 1/2 marathons to run later. When I ran the 10k at Nationals, it was very, very challenging. I wasn’t recovered from the conference meet. I had teammates on the side who were encouraging me to run hard and race well. However, if one of those teammates had said, “It’s okay, you look tired, you can stop if you want too.” I might have very well given into that! It was brutal! But, I did finish. And, despite a race that didn’t feel great it was still an amazing feeling to compete and push myself beyond my limits, and cross the finish line.

You can imagine my surprise, when I went to get my mail a week before graduation, and there was a track letter for me! I ran in only two track meets, 48 laps, and lettered in track!

I have to give credit where credit is due. The God of second chances and more. Even when we are unfaithful He is faithful!! 48 laps around the track, a second chance to make up all those 200s and 400s I had missed out on in high school. I was thankful to be given a another chance to train and race with the companionship of encouraging teammates, something I had given up years before.

Now, that I had graduated from college I was starting another new chapter in my life, but one thing I knew for sure was that running was going to continue to be a part of it.

Part 3…Road racing here I come…

Beauty is Photoshop Deep

I tell my girls over and over don’t believe what you see in videos, TV, or magazines. Don’t waste your energy trying to achieve the media’s concept of beauty. The image of beauty has become very warped and rarely what you see is real.

You may have already seen the video below, but if you are a woman and/or have daughters it is worth two minutes of your time. I love the illustration it provides.

Dove – Evolution Commercial – http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hibyAJOSW8U

As I stand in line, with my daughters, at Jewel, Target, or Gas Stations, I notice how their eyes drift and look over the magazine covers.  I wonder what they’re thinking? I know what I used to think when I was little and was in awe of the women who graced the covers. I wondered how I measured up. Was my hair just as pretty, my smile just as nice, my eyes just as beautiful? And as far as my figure was I ever going to have it all?

It’s been documented that when a woman walks into a room one of the first things she does is look around. Why? She’s looking around at the other women in the room to see where she falls in the pecking order. It’s interesting, even if you watch little girls, adolescents, teenagers, you will see them glancing at each other, almost as if they are sizing up their “competition.”

All women desire to be beautiful and desired. As little girls we dress up like princess’, twirl around and long for daddy’s attention. We want to know that there is someone out there who loves us for who we are and just the way we are. We want a prince who will treat us as a beauty, who will always be willing to leap over the parapets, storm the castle, and rescue us. We want to know we are worth it.

And, you know what I tell my daughters, YOU ARE WORTH IT, JUST THE WAY YOU ARE.  Accept the beauty and perfection that God has given to you. Don’t try to change a thing.  And, don’t EVER compare yourselves to other girls and/or women and wish you were more like them. You were created by the very God who created the Universe and you can’t improve on that.  I make sure to tell them, that they do not need to work hard at trying to attain the world’s concept of beauty, because as the video shows, the world’s concept of beauty is unattainable.

I wish we would take a stand as women and accept who we are and how we’ve been made. I wish we would stop taking drastic measures in an attempt to be more beautiful. I hope for the sake of our daughters that we can have confidence in who are and stop trying to find our worth in a beauty that is fleeting. As Psalm 139:13-14 states, we were already perfectly and wonderfully created.

“For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb.  I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.”

Let’s live this out, so our daughters can live as the confident women they were created to be!

Athlete in Training Part 2

Recently, I was given the opportunity to write a short paper and answer 4 questions concerning how the Christian faith relates to running. The questions/answers were based on Hebrews 12:1, “Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us.”

Question 3: How should we run?

First, I must believe and trust in the training I’ve done, knowing that I’ve put in the work and the effort to run my best.  I also know and believe in my mind that I can do it. I know that at times during the race it’s going to get tough and it will hurt, but I must remind myself to keep going.  Every part of my body is telling me to stop, but I won’t listen, because I know that the pain isn’t going to last forever.  When I go through tough spots during a race, my mind must be stronger than what I am feeling at that point.  I must tell myself I can, and in so doing my body will follow.  You might wonder, why I don’t just give up and stop when it hurts? Is the pain really worth the goal? Does it really matter if I cross the finish line? It does! Because, I’ve put in the time and effort, the hard-work, the good days, and the bad days.  I run focused on my ultimate goal, knowing that I’ve been training in order to reach my full potential. Fulfilling my goal and purpose in running comes when I cross the finish line.

Question 4: Who should we watch while we run?

I’ve learned through experience, that when I run I must have tunnel vision.  I must focus on my goal and my race.  If I lose my focus and worry about what the other runners are doing, how they are going to run, how fast they are going to go, then I start to run a race that wasn’t intended for me. Also, if I start to concentrate on those around me, I become anxious and worried that I’m not as strong and I’m not going to be able to keep up, let alone finish the race.  When I line up to start a race I have no business looking around to see who might be better, stronger or faster than I am.  There is no need to compare myself with others before the race. And if I do, I can guarantee I will wander off of my plan, my pace and get stuck somewhere I shouldn’t be.  This makes for a difficult and often times painful race.  The best races are those that are run with complete focus on what my body has been trained to run and not waiver from this pace.

Then there’s the crowd and the cheering.  While they can be encouraging, they can also be distracting.  If I start to look around and see someone holding a box of donuts or drinking coffee from Starbucks, how much harder does that make it to keep going! Wouldn’t I rather stop and rest and indulge myself! Why would I suffer through the pain when I can find immediate self-satisfaction, if only I would stop.  Again, my eyes must stay focused on the goal and the task at hand!

Lastly, when I race I know the ultimate goal is to cross the finish line.  How do I reach the finish line? Most of the time it’s too overwhelming to think of the entire distance.  I must take it step by step – because eventually steps turn into miles, and miles into 5ks, and 5ks into marathons and then before I know it I’m crossing the finish line – with exhilaration and joy, not because I did it pain-free, but because I did it! I finished the race!


Athlete in Training Part 1

Recently, I was given the opportunity to write a short paper and answer 4 questions concerning how the Christian faith relates to running. The questions/answers were based on Hebrews 12:1, “Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us.”

Question 1: Who is in the Stands?

When I think about the spectators in the stands, I think you will find all sorts of people.  There are people who are passionate about the sport and find watching the competition a complete satisfaction and inspiration.

There are coaches who are hoping their athletes run their best and react positively to the specific training they’ve been doing.  There are past competitors who are wishing they were still in their “glory days” or hoping to see the next record be set.

There are also injured runners who are longing to be part of the sport, but they’ve been set back, and by watching and cheering they feel they are still a part of the competition.

Then, each runner has personal fans that are among the crowd. Friends and family who have supported and encouraged the athlete along the way.  And other personal fans, who’ve maybe just heard about the athlete and want to see if he can really execute the rumors they’ve heard about him.

Lastly, there are people who may have never run before, who don’t like to run, who don’t understand running, yet they find it interesting to watch how others find joy and pleasure in it.

Question 2: How do we prepare to run?

If I want to run my best I must always remember that running is a joy and a gift. If I let it become a chore/job – something I feel that I have to do, it becomes daunting and I find no pleasure in it.

People often wonder how I find the time to run. It’s easy – it’s become a part of me. It’s never a question of IF i’m going to run.  Each day, I know what’s on the training schedule and I know somehow it’s going to get done. It’s become part of my day, it’s a habit, it’s something that when I don’t do it – I notice a difference in the day and in the way I feel.

There’s days when I’m exhausted and the last thing I want to do is swing my tired legs out of bed and run, but I do it anyway.  Knowing that once I start I will want to keep going – even if it’s painful or tiring I know there’s the ultimate goal that I’m trying to achieve, and in order to achieve this I must meet the little goals along the way. There’s other days when I’m excited to run and I can’t wait to get out the door and meet the pavement. There’s days/workout’s that are tough and days/ workouts that are easy – but either way, I know that when I’m out there running I’m accomplishing exactly what I need to do.

Tomorrow – Part 2 :

Question 3 – How should we run?

Question 4 – Who should we watch while we run?



Crimson shades of tattered white, A moonless night yet all is bright.
An ordinary man who had a dream, of impossible things, or so it seemed.
A child bride, a mere servant girl, Carrying a baby that would change the world.
Two relatives startling an unborn son, Only to prove what had actually begun.
A cousin set apart to lead the King’s way, To turn back hearts that have gone astray.

An order to travel to one’s own town, A difficult journey with a belly so round.

They could stay in the stable or so they were told, Each innkeeper said all rooms had been sold.

Shepherds and wise man each brought a gift, To lay at His feet their sins He would lift.

The King of all kings was born in a manger, Humbled and quiet did his parents realize the danger?

A king afraid of losing reign, A baby born to carry the pain.

A spirit of death upon the earth, What man has come with second birth?

A Godly man holds The Christ, Warning Mary that there will be a price.

A prophetess sees God’s Salvation, and spreads the hope to a desperate nation.

A mother pondering all things in her heart, God’s son would bring joy, but first torn apart.

His life lived for only one reason, He’s why we celebrate this Easter season.

A baby born, to live to die, It’s tempting to ask the question why?

His story doesn’t stop at His birth, He died on the cross to give our lives worth.

But our story doesn’t end at His grave, He’s risen again our souls He can save.

So let us bow down our lives to give, We need to die to fully live.



Broken hearts torn apart.

Broken dreams, at least it seems.

Broken promise, once sealed by a kiss.

Broken home, now all alone.

Empty eyes, filled with lies.

Empty feeling, gone from stealing.

Empty touch, messed with too much.

Empty mind, now gone blind.

Hopeless romance, No second chance.

Hopeless smile, Only there for a while.

Hopeless hands, Folded to future plans.

Hopeless love, No more from above.

Dying soul, Split, not whole.

Dying child, Once was wild.

Dying man, no ring on his hand.

Dying wife, There’s no more life.

Hope to Reconcile…sit with Jesus for a while.

Hope to love again, If we put away every sin.

Hope to live, If all to Him we give.

Hope to rebuild…Only with Jesus your marriage fulfilled.


For any woman who has suffered the pain of losing a baby…

“And I declared that the dead, who had already died, are happier than the living, who are still alive.  But better than both is he who has not yet been, who has not seen the evil that is done under the sun.  Ecclesiastes 4:12

 Oh little one, so precious, so new

A life beginning, a body formed

 Hopes, dreams, laughter, joy

Thoughts of you to come

 Names, names, more names

What would you be called

 A baby room, a nursery

Pink, blue, we did not know

 Little fingers, little toes

Little diapers, little clothes

 Chubby legs, chubby arms

Kissable cheeks, kissable feet

 Brown eyes, blue eyes

Tall, short, fat, thin

 A writer, a poet

A runner, a gymnast

 A snuggle, a cuddle

Asleep, on my chest

 Baby lotion, baby powder

Soft skin to touch

 Fuzzy hair, no hair

Bald as can be, usually

 A story, a song

Rocking, in the chair

 A prayer, a verse

Holding you, near

 Good news, bad news

Oh, My precious little one

 A heartbeat, lost

Silence, so strong

 Dreams, shattered

Taken away, vanished

 Gone, no more

Taken, to soon

 Questions, no answers

Can it really be true

 Home, you belong

Not here, There

 In His arms

Waiting, for me

 To see, to look

Upon Your face

 Questions, answered

Only He could give

Someday, sometime

Only in His time

 Home, free

With You, I long to be


Grave Robber

Two bit dime, A tapless shoe dance

Sleezes, low lifes, but cool.

Sing a tune and let them echo your name.

Slam a beer, drag a cancer stick-

lick your thumb pour the salt;

suck down the watermelon shot.

Feels good – just for the night?

No! You’ll be here again –

you’ll never feel the comfort –

in fact, you’re a coward.

You wear other’s clothes,

And you wear other’s feelings;

Where are yours?

Oh – yours are lost –

No! You slowly drank them to numbness,

you cried wolf,

and the god of Justice

let the grave robber’s steal a fortune.

Has sickness, clouded your brain?

Does the cold of judgement hold you tight? – It Does!

Someday you’ll awake –

In the same clothes –

In the same bed –

In the same dream.

And all of them, all the casual drinks –

They will have cost you a lifetime,

left you with nothing…

The hangover will sting –

And gut rot will look straight through

your transparent overtures.

And laughter will be his.

The man you really loved –

who let you play the games

and let you sing the songs –

who let you dance the jig

right out his door.


“You play games and dance in celebration. All I do is stand beside, because you dance alone.”


I wear sunglasses – with mirror reflectors.

They reflect the impersonal world.

They use to reflect your face.

If you would only return – I promise, I’ll take them off.



Eyes open

Thoughts begin

Let go


Back today


Struggle in silence

Don’t let anyone in


Just keep going


Everything’s fine


Rises again


If only they knew


One last time











You told me you’d forgive me

No matter what I’ve done

You said you knew who I used to be

And what I could become

I shared with you my deepest thoughts

And spoke with brutal honesty

My darkest plans and hidden plots

And what I did in secrecy

My body trembled as I wept

Ashamed to have you look at me

Now so many darkened nights I hadn’t slept

In fear you’d find the unmasked me.





























This Sunday I was proposed with this question? “Would you be willing to die for Christ?”

Growing up in a Christian home and accepting Christ as my Savior at a young age, and then going through a deep and dangerous teenage rebellion (in which I could have lost my life), and then miraculously, with God’s help, being able to turn my life around, I wouldn’t hesitate to say, “YES!  I truly believe He saved mine, so the least I could do is offer my life to Him.

However, after being asked that question another question followed. And this is what has been on my mind all week. The question isn’t only, would I be willing to die for Christ, but am I willing to live for Christ, today? I find this to be a much harder question. In fact, most days, most hours, most minutes, I’m torn between living for myself and  what I want to do or living for Christ. This world needs people who are daily living, breathing, and walking for Him. I’m not one of those people. I feel more like a hypocrite, saying and desiring one thing but doing another.

I truly understand what Paul wrote in the book of Romans when he said, “I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do.”  It seems I have a problem with wanting to always find  immediate self-gratification. I crave that which is not good for me, and it drives me crazy! I really wish I could say today that I am living my life sold out for Christ. That I want nothing more to please Him with my entire being. However, I find myself more often wanting to please myself. It’s a constant struggle, a battle that I fight every minute of every day. To pick up my cross and let Christ carry my burdens and struggles is a choice I have to make daily. But, sadly, more often than not, I find myself  leaving my cross on the dusty, dirty path of life and trudging up the hill on my own.

Don’t get me wrong, I know that I have freedom in Christ, the chains of my past behaviors and earthly desires were broken the minute Christ died on the cross for me, and I decided to follow Him. But, it is choosing to live in this freedom, that seems to be a struggle for me! If I am not willing to live for Christ today, I will be the one who compromises tomorrow.  I’m hoping that I will be able to “strip off every weight that slows me down, especially the sin that so easily trips me up. I hope to run with endurance the race God has set before me.” (Hebrews 12:1).  I would like to be able to say with confidence I am not only willing to die for Christ tomorrow, but I am also willing to live for Him today.