Tag Archives: Suzanne Ryan

“10,000 Reasons”

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Today I woke up thinking these words, “The sun comes up, It’s a new day dawning, It’s time to sing Your song again, Whatever may pass, and whatever lies before me, Let me be singing when the evening comes.”

It’s been another hard week for us as we mourn the death of Grandma Marie Ryan.  She was a big part of our lives and words can not express how greatly we will miss her.  I am thankful for the time we were able to share with her in this life, and I am so thankful that I know and believe, “God’s name is Great and His heart is kind. For all His goodness I will keep on singing, Ten Thousand reasons for my heart to find.” He is the blessed controller of all things. “Sing like never before, O my soul, I’ll worship Your holy name.”

The next few days will be very hard as we attend Grandma’s viewing and funeral but it just reminds us once again, this world is not our home, we are just passing through, patiently awaiting our real home, heaven and eternity with Jesus. “Still my soul will sing Your praise unending, Ten thousand years and then forevermore. I’ll worship your holy name, Jesus I’ll worship  your holy name.”

Finally Home

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At around midnight on June 1st, 2013 my Aunt took her last breath and flew away to Heaven.

“Just think of stepping on shore – And finding it Heaven!

Of touching a hand – And finding it God’s!

Of breathing new air- And finding it celestial!

Of waking up in glory- And finding it Home!”

It’s hard to find the words to express what it feels like to sit with someone who is dying. During the days of May 25th-June 2nd my Aunt’s family tried to have someone with Aunt Marge around the clock. We all took turns spending time with her, sitting with her, just being with her.

Aunt Marge in Nursing School
Aunt Marge in Her Brother’s Wedding

It was an odd feeling. We were not sitting with her helping her fight for her life. We were not holding her hand and hoping that she would recover and go on living. We didn’t have the hope that she would get better.  Instead, we were sitting by her bedside knowing that the end was drawing near.  How do we sit by the side of a loved one that has no hope to get better. No hope to pull through. No hope to improve. No Hope for this life. But Hope. HOPE. Miraculous Hope. Hope in Salvation. Hope in Eternity. Hope in a new Home. Hope in a new life. Hope in Jesus Christ.  Hope that “one day in His courts is better than thousand’s elsewhere” (Psalm 84:10). Hope that “precious in the eyes of the Lord is the death of one of his saints”(Psalm 116:15). Hope that “He prepares a place for us and when it is ready He will call us home,”  (John 14) And although we mourned this last week and will mourn in the weeks to come, we mourn with hope!

Underlined in Aunt Marge's Bible

Underlined in Aunt Marge’s Bible

When I think back to the last several days with Aunt Marge and wonder how her husband, her daughter, her sister, and brother-in-law, her nieces and nephews were able to endure her approaching death, I will remember that it was because of our hope and faith in Jesus Christ and eternity. When we took our turns to be with Marge, she was unable to communicate, so we simply held her hand, told her we loved her, prayed for her, cried for her, read scripture to her, played hymns for her.  We sat in the presence of our Savior, her Savior. Sometimes, we wondered why He wasn’t calling her home when, to us, it looked obvious that she needed to go. Doctors and nurses would tell us what they thought, maybe days, maybe hours, 72 hours, 48 hours, maybe weeks. And we would wonder. And we would tell her “to go home.” But then,  we would realize no one knows! Only God. And her life is in His hands, and only when each and every detail is in place and her job on earth is done He would take her home. And while her job on earth ended last night and God called her home, her testimony, her hope, her faith, her love for Jesus Christ will go on. Her legacy of faith will continue to reach generation after generation.

This week, I had the privilege of seeing a living example of 1 Corinthians 13:13, “now faith, hope, and love remain – these three things.”  Our faith in Jesus, our hope in eternity, and our love in Jesus Christ and for our family. These things remain.

Underlined in Aunt Marge's Bible

Underlined in Aunt Marge’s Bible – Her Favorite Verse

Update on my Aunt – I’ll Fly Away

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Each day seems to get harder and harder. Yesterday seemed to be especially hard. I spent most of the day at the hospital, with my Uncle Gus, his daughter, Anne, and her husband Brad, my mom and dad, and my sister.

Aunt Marge’s breathing seems to have changed, it has become shallow and labored. Her color has also changed. At four o’clock yesterday she was moved from the hospital back to her old room at the nursing home. Her room at the home is very comfortable and it has an extra bed. Anne (and maybe Gus) stayed with her through the night last night.

When we were with her yesterday her breathing seemed to be even more labored and by the evening she was running a fever of 102.5 and her pulse was also very fast.

My daughter Leah wanted to go with me to the nursing home last night so she could say goodbye to Aunt Marge. Leah and my other daughter, Rachael,  have been very faithful in praying for Aunt Marge and visiting her.

So, last night we played music for her. She is a very gifted piano player. (In fact, even with the disease of Alzheimer’s, we could sit her down at the piano, name any hymn and she could play it. One time, Leah, Rachael, and I brought an old hymnal to the nursing home because we were having trouble coming up with different songs for her to play. We could pick any song from the hymnal and she would know it without looking at the music or the words.)

Last night, we held her hand, we prayed with her, and we told her she could “go home.”  Many people are waiting for her in heaven, her mom and dad, her brother Jim, and his wife, Grace, but most importantly Jesus.

On the way home from the nursing home, Leah looked at me through tears and said, “Mom, even though I don’t know Aunt Marge very well I still love her so much. She has taught me that even through troubled times I can still trust Jesus.”

Thank you Aunt Marge.  Even through your sickness and pain, your light for Jesus still shines through to my daughters and me.

It was hard to leave the home last night and I’m anxious to get back there this morning.

I’ll Fly Away

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I was hoping to race during the Memorial day weekend. I was debating about driving to Portage, Indiana and running a 12k trail race or testing my speed and doing a small neighborhood 5k in Villa Park. I had eventually decided on the 12k and was really excited. As many of you know, I’ve been injured and unable to race for a few months. I thought the trail race would be a good opportunity to introduce my legs to racing again without the pressure of the clock. The first race back is always the hardest (and sometimes the most humbling) so I figured the 12k would be an easier way to shock my body into the reality of racing.

I woke up Monday morning and I really wasn’t in racing mode. The thought did cross my mind that maybe it wasn’t a smart idea because my foot isn’t 100% healed and I am just getting over a pretty bad respiratory infection. Despite these things I know I still could have raced, but I didn’t want to, not on Saturday, or Sunday, or even yesterday. Over the weekend, more immediate issues far out-weighed running. Don’t get me wrong, obviously running is a big part of my life and I love training and racing. But, as of last Friday, May 24th, my heart and mind have been with my Aunt.

Not just any Aunt, but one of my favorite Aunts. My Aunt Marge. She has been in my life for as long as I can remember. She has faithfully prayed for me and my family over the years. She has shown me what a life lived for Christ resembles. She doesn’t just talk about her faith but she lives her faith. My Aunt, who still remembers the name of Jesus, but no longer remembers my name, or who I am, or how we are related. My aunt who was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s.

My Aunt, who, while living at the nursing home, lost her balance and fell on four occasions. The fourth fall being extremely bad. She was not very responsive last Thursday and Friday while my mom and I, along with her husband, visited her. She was taken to the emergency room Friday morning, where we learned that both sides of her brain were bleeding and it was not in her best interest to under-go surgery.

At least for me, reality didn’t sink in until Saturday. I went back to the hospital to visit her and the realization struck that she would never walk again, or talk again, or enjoy food, or be able to refresh her thirst. She would never get out of bed again.

She was put under hospice care, and the goal of hospice is not to prolong her life in the most comfortable of ways, but rather keep her comfortable until her time on earth is over.

Sunday night the Doctor said she has approximately 4-5 days left. But yet, they don’t really know. And although we mourn, we “mourn with hope.”  (1 Thess. 4:13-18) We know and believe, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that she is awaiting her home in heaven. She is going “home on God’s celestial shores, like a bird from prison bars has flown, she’ll fly away, just a few more weary days, and then she’ll fly away.” Home, free, restored, renewed. Home.

I know that it’s not my time to fly away from life’s pain and struggles, but I can run. And it’s in these moments of life that I like to run in solitude and in silence. It’s on these runs, where I don’t focus on running, but I focus on my thoughts, my emotions, my sadness, my anger, my joy, my confusion, and I ask questions and sometimes I find answers and sometimes I don’t. But somehow, pounding the pavement during these times, allows my mind to focus on Christ and meet with Him and life’s problems become a little easier to face.

I’ve run every day since Friday. I know that’s not a big deal. But yet, on every single one of these runs I have thought of my beloved Aunt Marge wasting away in her hospital bed, unable to move and unable to communicate and I pray that I won’t take the simple pleasure of running and a healthy body and a sound mind for granted.

And soon, my Aunt on “some glad morning, when her life is over, she’ll fly away, to a land where joy shall never end. She’ll fly away.”

Memorial Day – This is a Soldier

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In honor of our Military and all the sacrifices they have made and continue to make I wanted to share the following statistics that were printed in Community Fellowship’s Bulletin, Sunday May 26th, as well as the video they played at the end of the Church Service.

“Did you know…?

– There are over 425,000 veterans in the greater Chicago area alone and over 2 million people in Illinois who are members of a military family

– Over 300,000 vets suffer from PTSD and many of them do not seek treatment

– About 67,000 vets will be homeless tonight and twice that many will experience homelessness at some point this year

– The unemployment rate of veterans is significantly higher than the national average

– A veteran takes his/her life every 80 minutes”

I hope that as a Church we will never stop praying for our veterans and soldiers. May we always remember to honor the sacrifices that they have made and continue to make to keep our country free. May we also never forget the adversities and afflictions that many of them encounter. And may we always be forever thankful…

“THIS IS A SOLDIER”

This is a Soldier

Beautiful Chaos

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This picture can serve as a good representation of my life as a mother. Chaos!

DSCN0183

I’m not even sure who took the picture. Maybe the store manager to warn his employees not to let us back into the store.

My oldest child, Tommy, is obviously mad at something. Rachael is out of control flying her cart into who knows what and in the process taking out whatever is in her path. Leah looks like she’s trying to be on her best behavior, and then Steven is MIA. Chaos. Not at all what I pictured our quick stop at the grocery store to look like!

When we walked into the store the girls asked if they could have a cart. In my head I had the image of a nice, calm, shopping adventure in which they wanted to help out. How cute! In the end I’m very surprised we didn’t hear an announcement on the loud speaker asking us to leave the store.

This photograph can also help to sum up my days of Motherhood.

broken table

My kids and I were sitting down enjoying a wonderful breakfast together, when all of a sudden, out of the blue, the table collapsed, fell apart, and that was the end of breakfast.

I’ve made plans. I’ve had dreams. I’ve had visions of how my life as a mother would play out. Only to realize that sometimes, no matter how hard I try, life can get very chaotic, and the best of schedules can give way, crumble, and leave me wondering if I’m really doing things right!

I’ve missed appointments, even though I have them written down on the calendar AND in my phone. I’ve forgotten about early dismissal days at school. I’ve locked my keys in the car way too many times to count. In fact, the last time I did that, the guy arrived to help me out and I realized it was the same guy from the time before. After a few minutes he did a double take and said, “Hey! Didn’t I help you out about two weeks ago on the opposite side of the street?” I was hoping he wouldn’t remember me!

I’ve closed the door to the house only to realize I just locked everybody out. I’ve sent my oldest to school with a brown paper bag full of onions instead of a brown paper bag full of lunch (I’ll explain that in another post!) I’ve run over bicycles left in the driveway. I’ve gotten lost on my way to gymnastic meets and basketball games more times then I’d like to admit. The list could go on and on. But, needless to say, I don’t have it all together! I’m always rushing from one place to the next wondering how I’m going to get it all done. I’m constantly trying to make sure Tommy, Steven, Leah, and Rachael have what they need and get to where they need to go. My house is always loud with children talking, yelling, laughing, fighting. And if that isn’t enough there’s always friends, nieces, nephews, and babies that need care.

babies crying

Chaos! But, I’m learning to love it. Because one day I know the Chaos will turn to quiet . There won’t be clothes on the floor, hand prints on the walls, dishes piled in the sink, homework to finish, and lunches to be made. The house will be too quiet and too clean and I’ll be left wondering, “how did they grow up so fast?”

So in the time being, in the chaos, I smile, I embrace it, I thank God for it. I look for the magnificent in the mess and the splendor in the silliness.

And it’s in the morning, when I walk into my child’s room to wake her up, that I find her artwork,

photo (6)

And for the moment, the mistakes I’ve made and will make as a mother vanish, and I get that small glimmer of hope that I just might be doing things right. And I thank Christ for the privilege of being a mother and I realize that He truly can “make the chaos a chorus.”

What’s up with my running?

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I don’t even know where to start? All I know is that it’s been confusing and frustrating! I went from having my best year in 2011 only to follow it up with my worst year ever!? I went from setting new PR’s in every distance, to pretty much setting new, slowest race PR’s in every distance. How does one follow up their best year with their worst year?

 Well, to make a very long story just semi-long, my body needed a break in 2012. I had worked hard in 2010-2011 trying to get to the Olympic Trials (which I missed).  I figured, I had just had my best year ever so why not make 2012 even better. I should have known to back off, that my body needed a rest, (it’s always so much easier to tell other runner’s to back off – but never take the advice myself). I continued, with lots of miles and hard workouts, but  this time never hitting the times I wanted. The dreadful plateau  and the question, “Why am I not improving?” reared its ugly head. Then the next question comes, “Is it that I’m not working hard enough, or am I working too hard.” I always assume the first, (which usually isn’t right!) and I try to force my body to work harder, but it won’t comply, because what I really need is REST! And then instead of improving my times, they start to decline. Over-training… maybe?! Yep!  Dreading each run because my body won’t do what I want it to do. The war taking place between my body and my mind. My mind telling me to “run faster, run harder!” and my legs screaming back, “Stop! We can’t! You must let us rest!” 

However,  I really wanted to make it to the December 2012th Memphis Marathon! I had just run a very relaxed, stress-free, felt good the entire time, 2:58 training run at the Chicago marathon in October, and I wanted Memphis to be my best marathon yet.  But, no matter what I wanted, my workouts felt hard, my body felt tired, my mind was telling me “I don’t want to run,”  and my legs felt like lead weights. I figured I just needed to hit the taper time 2 weeks before the marathon and I’d recover and be fresh and ready to run a new marathon PR!

Well, that didn’t happen. In fact, I couldn’t even make it through the marathon. I was done at 13.1. Actually, I knew as early as the 3rd mile, (with tired quads) that my legs and body were going to have a tough time hitting 2:46-2:48, let alone finish. Stopping at the half-way point was probably the worst feeling I’ve ever had.

When I was trying to make it to the trials, I dropped out of Chicago, but, in my mind, I had good reason – I knew I wasn’t going to hit 2:46 and I wanted to save it for another day. My goal wasn’t to JUST finish – I wanted to finish in a qualifying time and I didn’t want to put the extra mileage on my (getting older) body if I wasn’t going to hit my ultimate goal. And, at mile 21-22 I dropped from the Monumental Marathon in Indianapolis because of a damaged calf muscle. There was no reason for me to cross the finish line not making it to the trails and walking away injured and done for the rest of the year.

But, in Memphis I just stopped.  I quit without a legitimate reason, except that I was tired and I couldn’t possibly imagine doing the death shuffle from mile 9 to mile 26.2. I quit. My mind told my body that I couldn’t do it and obviously, my body agreed, and gave in. Worst feeling ever! How embarrassing! I’m a runner and runner’s don’t quit, they work through the pain, they crawl to the finish if they have to, but they never ever give up. But, I did!

It was hard to process what happened. All I know, is that I was having a very difficult time hitting my goal pace the first three miles, and then by mile 10, I was struggling to maintain what should have been a very easy pace for me. It felt like something was terribly wrong, but the only thing I could say was, “I was just too tired!”

Immediately,  after getting home from Memphis I scheduled a doctor’s appointment. I knew my fatigue wasn’t normal, and sure enough my blood work came back showing anemia. Maybe that would help to soften the blow of NOT finishing, but it didn’t. And then, I went to the Orthopedic doctor, who told me I had achilles tendonitis/micro tears. BUT still, I QUIT! How frustrating!

Thankfully, (hopefully) there will be other races, and now that I know the awful, upsetting, feeling of quitting  that won’t happen again. I WILL crawl to the finish line if I have to, but I will never allow my mind to convince my body to quit!

As of now, concerning my injury, I had an MRI  a couple of weeks ago and it showed that my achilles is free of any micro-tearing. However, it does show that I have calcaneous bursitis, basically swelling and fluid in the bursa sac that sits at the attachment of the achilles tendon. It’s quiet painful, but I’ve been cleared to run, with the philosophy, “less is more!” And I now must face a fact, that I’ve known about, but have been able to  ignore since I was about  16 years old. My left leg is 1/2 an inch or more shorter than my right leg. A fact that would be good in reference to the question, “Tell us something unique/weird about you?” I have a short leg! Ha. Well, not so funny now, because as I’m getting older, the discrepancy in length seems to be getting worse and it’s messing up my running mechanics, causing me to swing my right foot out just enough to land wrong, twisting my achilles, and irritating my heel and tendons. In fact, my right leg and hip have stopped doing their job, leaving that leg, almost, completely useless and making my left leg do all the work. This is where a three-legged dog comes to mind. Ha. He’s missing a leg so the other legs take up the slack. My right leg/hip isn’t working properly so my left leg is doing the best it can to take over for both legs.

Thankfully, I have a great Physical Therapist  and we are determined to find a solution. It may be as simple as strengthening my right hip or getting orthotics. So, while I’m glad my achilles is healed I still must face my messed up body-mechanics! However, I’m thankful I’ve been able to run off and on since December, and I’m determined to be racing later this year…with both legs! ( ;

 

“Prone to Wander…”

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January 1st 2013

I turn to the first page of my new journal…

A clean sheet of paper

A blank canvas

So pristine, unblemished, and expectant.

I hesitate to write the first word.

Intimidation stares back at me in fear that making the first mark will ruin it’s purity.

It reminds me of the New Year.

Even with the best of intentions, it doesn’t take me long to take something completely flawless and stain it with mistakes and failures.

I’m thankful that the Creator of the Universe gives me more than just a New Year to start over. He surely knows that I need more than that!

With a New Year I’m given twelve new months to start over,

and with each month I have four new weeks to start fresh,

and with each week I have seven new days to make better choices,

and with each day I have twenty-four hours to wipe the slate clean,

and with each hour I have sixty minutes to start again.

A New Year

A New Month

A New Week

A New Day

A New Hour

A New Minute

This year leaves me with many, many new beginnings and choices to start over. This isn’t an excuse to rationalize sin. It is Christ’s mercy, grace, and forgiveness.  I have a choice that comes year to year, month to month, hour to hour, minute to minute to live for myself and temporal gain or to pick up my cross daily and live for Christ and the eternal.

I leave 2012 in the past, with my mistakes and my regrets and start 2013 with these words…

“O to grace how great a debtor
Daily I’m constrained to be!
Let Thy goodness, like a fetter,
Bind my wandering heart to Thee.
Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it,
Prone to leave the God I love;
Here’s my heart, O take and seal it,
Seal it for Thy courts above.”